Have you ever wanted to get out all of your feelings and write an open letter to your ex? Even if you plan to never send it, sometimes a letter is the only way you feel like you’ve said all you need to say.
You liked my hair long so I cut it short, hacking at the strands like the ties that kept us together. But I liked my hair long too and now it’s gone and so are you.
I must have picked up my phone 100 times to text you since we decided we couldn’t be a ‘we’ anymore. This is a mistake. We love each other and want to be together, let’s just be together. I want this, we can fix this.
But just as quickly as the urge comes on, those stupid names flash through my mind like a nasty pop up ad I can’t block. I haven’t been able to step into Citizens knowing that’s where you took her. That’s when I put my phone back down.
Don’t misunderstand where I’m coming from. This letter is not about pointing fingers, throwing shade, or placing blame. Hindsight is twenty twenty and we both dropped the ball on a lot of things. The truth is, neither of us are to blame.
If we were to play the blame game though, I’m pointing fingers at timing. It might be a cop out but maybe the pressures of graduation, law school, jobs and a future just don’t facilitate a good environment for an ‘us’. I wish things could have been different. Learning to live without you was terrifying, mostly because I didn’t really want to. They say you have to crawl before you can walk. But how could I crawl when every breath I took without you felt like poison in my lungs and acid in my veins and the pain in my heart was paralyzing? The knowledge that you were not my person anymore was physically crippling.
That’s part of our problem though. We needed to learn how to be on our own and I think we lost parts of ourselves in each other. I think I lost a lot of me. But I’m getting it back. Now I buy milk by myself and have killed no less than five spiders. I have always been the hero of this story. I never needed saving, and it took us falling apart to remember that.
I hope that you find peace and stability. I hope that you find something that you love and makes you feel inspired. I hope that the job hunt leads you everywhere your heart wants to go. I hope you look in the mirror and realise all of your potential. I hope that you believe in yourself as much as you believed in me. Us parting ways opens the doors out of Boston and I hope you take them. I never wanted to hold you back but I think we both know I would have.
I would have followed you anywhere and that’s what made me see where we were going wrong. This year is going to be about me and my journey. As much as we hate to admit it, I would have put my plans on hold to work on yours. I think you might have let me.
I’m sorry for all the stupid fights we had. I’m sorry for all the time we wasted being angry instead of being happy. I’m sorry for hurting you and I’m sorry for walking away. Part of me will always wonder what would have happened if this was a letter declaring that I was going to fight for you, but I can’t fight for this alone and you stepped out of the ring months ago.
“When the sun rises in the east and sets in west; when the seas go dry and mountains blow in the wind like leaves…” When we watched this scene play out in Game of Thrones and Daenerys had to leave Drogo my heart broke. Driving away from your house that day when I realised this was our reality – I felt the earth halt in it’s rotation and my blood ran cold and I knew we couldn’t have just one more night. We couldn’t just pretend that all would be okay. I love you and that’s why I had to pull the trigger.
Perhaps in Hope, Idaho we are together. I’d like to believe in some other place that we found a way to be together even if we couldn’t do it in this world. You were my sun and stars, but I am not afraid of the dark.
I hope you remember me anytime you have to mismatch your socks.
With love and unbroken wings,
Your moon from a past life.