Nomi Leasure… On Belonging To No-One But Yourself

by Nomi Leasure

Your blog is awesome. I read the post “What Does Love Have To Do With My Vagina” and I agree with it totally. I’m 18 and I have a boyfriend who I’ve been with for 2 years and I kinda wish I would’ve met him later on in life so that I could experience being on my own. I don’t want to talk to multiple guys all the time, I just want to vibe and connect and if it leads to sex then whatever. I know you were in a committed relationship and I’m not sure if you still are currently, but how did you deal with something like that with your views? I truly admire you and think you’re so beautiful! I wish you success in everything you do. – Keli, NY

Dear Caged-Bird-Keli,

Firstly, thank you for the kind words. I appreciate that.

I think I understand your predicament — you are with a guy that you love, and you’ve been together for some time, but you want to…belong to just yourself? You don’t want the limits on your life that love brings? It’s not that you want other men, it’s that you don’t quite know what you want and need the space to figure it out? Well then guuuurl, I more than feel you.

As women, I truly do think we need to be on our own to find strength. That doesn’t mean no love, no flings, no friends — it means belonging to no one but yourself. And it’s often very difficult to belong to no one but yourself when you have a boyfriend, because boyfriends, God love them, see you as belonging to them. And as much as we can help it, when we’re in relationships we think as a pair.

Here’s what I can say. You will never get your life back. You will never get your youth back. You will never get back this time that is absolutely meant for exploration and adventure. This is the hottest time of your life. This is the time to own your journey. This is the time for outward exploration and inward reflection. We must know who we are, not who we are in relation to others. I get the sense that you are yearning for something, and it’s okay if you can’t name it or I can’t name it. You will never get your life back, but love can and often will wait.

This guy is not going to stop existing if you put some space between you. In fact, he needs to be doing the same thing as you. He needs his freedom, his adventure, his exploration. I would rather compromise this messy, conflicted notion of love than my personal journey.

But, more to the point, I never saw my stance, viewpoints, or decisions as a compromise of love. I saw them as absolutely essential to the survival of my relationship. If two people meet young and think they want to make it last it only made sense to me that there would be space allowed for each to do their own thing. Trying to cling on to something while everything around you is pushing the opposite current isn’t noble or romantic, it’s just silly. Let someone go their course, and follow yours, and you may flow back into the same stream or you may not. You must make your peace with that.

But at the end of the day, it’s just you and you baby.

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