You and your group of friends seem so cool and close knit. I think I’ve lost/am losing my best friend and it sucks. We’ve been best friends for about 10 years, and we’ve always had a relationship where we don’t live close by (she went to study away for three years and we only saw each other a few times while she was gone) but now it’s completely different.
She didn’t like my ex and while she didn’t say it, I could tell this made her distance herself from me. When we broke up, she wasn’t 100% there for me (more like 50%) and through-out our friendship we have always been there for each other during break ups and big time hardships. She hasn’t messaged me once to ask how I’ve been or if I’m okay and it’s been two months since we last saw each other even though she lives and works so close to me now. Do I try and salvage the friendship, accept this is our new friendship and still keep her in my life or just forget her? I’ve always been the trier in the friendship and made an effort in the past when we’ve disconnected so I’m not sure how to handle this one. -Anonymous
Man, that just made my heart hurt a little. Losing a friend is THE WORST thing in the world. Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for friendships to end over a guy. Not even fighting over a guy, but one friend getting a boyfriend and the other friend totally dipping out.
I had a really tight-knit group of girls in college, we didn’t all really even solidify our friendship until senior year but it was great! We got along so well. Then one of the crew started dating a guy who had been just a goofy best friend to the other. And it absolutely ended things between the girls.
My besties from home went through a similar situation almost two years ago. Once the one got a boyfriend it created this huge wedge between them that just recently mended itself. And when I started dating my boyfriend in the beginning of college it was one of the final straws between myself and a girl I had been best friends with for THIRTEEN YEARS!
I don’t doubt that the reason your friend has grown so distant is the boyfriend. It’s difficult because I’m sure, like you mentioned, she never said it was because of the boyfriend that she was growing distant, or didn’t want to hang or what have you. It always seems to be that way. The friend who disapproves or is jealous of the relationship never really admits that that’s the thing. Because that would be silly, right? Because chicks before dicks, right? It’s a hard thing to admit to because I think the basis is often jealousy. And we don’t like to admit to jealousy.
It’s true that we change in relationships, and often our closest friends see that as a threat, or a bad thing. It can seem like a guy is now more important to you than your best friend, which can cause a lot of pain. Truthfully, it’s difficult for me to understand girls who end friendships because of a guy. I just have never and would never do that — and truuuust me, my friends have definitely been in relationships that I wasn’t too happy about.
I don’t think the friendship between you two is over. Keep at it. You’ve got to be the bigger person here and understand that it’s not about you, this is about her and something that she’s dealing with on some level of her own personal story. Repaired friendships won’t always feel exactly like the old one, so expect that and be okay with the fact that you’ll be coming together as slightly different people.
Best of luck.