Nomi Leasure… On Having Good Sex

by Nomi Leasure

Why can’t we just have good sex? – Anonymous

I was listening to this not-so-new podcast “Guys We F*cked” episode “Do Poppers Make Your Butthole Loose?” The guest was risque podcaster/storyteller Kevin Allison, most well known for his wide variety of gay kinks and sexual exploits. Over the course of nearly two hours the two female co-hosts and guest turned over several of Kevin’s out-of-this-world sexual exploits. He’s in his forties and has only had one serious relationship that consequently ended in divorce the very day same sex marriage was legalized in the United States.

Funny thing was…Kevin was ready to settle down again. After a lifetime of fucking in every imaginable way possible (and some very hard to imagine ways) he felt it was just…time. This wasn’t appearing to be much of an issue for Kevin, as much of the gay community functioned the same way: Sexual exploits in youth, serious relationships once you’ve tried literally everything and everyone under the sun.

One of the co-hosts remarked how this was nearly the opposite of what women do. We, she said, spend our youth trying for relationships. And then as middle aged women we finally start looking for just good sex. A single woman in her late thirties or forties is honestly most likely just looking for a nice, smart guy to, well, fuck. The incredible woman I worked for in New York echoed this sentiment. “Men are draining. I told him we can have open relationship. I don’t want more than that.”

After an entire lifetime of trying to find, keep and please a man at 35 or 40 it seems women finally start pleasing the person who really matters: Themselves.

“What if we had sex like gay men?” The co-host asked. “What if we spent our twenties just having good sex?”

What if?! What if we didn’t try for relationships until we knew more about ourselves? Until we knew more about who we are? What if we just had good sex?

I honestly feel like most twenty-somethings don’t even have good sex when they have it. Guys are most often mimicking what they see in porn are girls are just trying to look sexy. Are we even enjoying this? Don’t get me wrong…I’ve had some amazing sex in my lifetime, trust me. And I have friends who most certainly will say the same thing… but you have to admit that for us girls it’s WORLDS different than it is for guys. I mean…a guy can get off just about every time he has sex with a girl. It’s not hard. His equipment is extremely simple to master. Women on the other hand, well we’re a bit more complicated. And so much of the sex we have is male centered. It’s about turning him on and getting him off. We just want to make it out of the whole situation without a queef and maybe, just maaaaybe with an orgasm.

For the record…I’ve never had an orgasm from sex. Not one single time. So, sorry to any ex-hook ups who may be reading this thinking they had done the trick. Not so much. In fact the only person who has ever gotten me off is my current boyfriend and that’s always from oral. Which I’ve just realized may be why he’s still my boyfriend…


Back to the subject at hand. Women do in the bed what we do in life because despite how hard we try getting that “please a man, impress a man” narrative out of our pretty little minds is hard! It’s strange because I don’t feel like people are going after it, sex I mean, with the same fervor as they once did. No one seems that desperate for it. We’re getting more choosey, naturally. Or maybe it’s because it’s just…not that good.

I mean when is the last time you’ve had really, really great sex? Please, tell me. I’m dying to know. Because I’m starting to lose faith in our generations mojo here.

If we as girls spent our twenties focusing on ourselves, putting ourselves first, belonging to no one but ourselves and just looking for good sex and not good relationships what would that do for our lives? For our entire gender? FOR THE WHOLE WORLD?! Imagine that. A world in which young women demand better sex from men. A more sexually pleased generation of young women.

I think I may have just found the solution for World Peace.

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D September 9, 2016 - 12:57 am

Being a guy who hasn’t yet had that much or been that satisfied with my experiences (because I didn’t know what I do know now), even though I’m 28, and being a guy who is REALLY looking forward to at least 3 good full years of dating and giving every girl I date, who is 100% clearly down, the best possible foreplay and sex I possibly can, this article is incredibly inspiring. lol

I never fully understood why many articles say the majority or entirety of a guys focus during sex is on himself as I must be lucky to have been a part of the minority of guys who’s wired differently, who’s satisfaction is mainly based upon how much she seems to be enjoying it, how amazing it feels to be experiencing a girl who’s just gone animalistically wild, what she says afterward, and how much she’s wanting even more very soon.

Maybe begin writing articles on how to tell if a guy might be really good at pleasing a woman, and/or the type of guy who is naturally a people pleaser and honestly gets ALOT from having immensely satisfied someone whether it’s at his job or in the bedroom with his girl. Because as someone who personally gets a lot from knowing just how much it’s turning her own and how satisfying it all honestly was for her, being someone who gets something from pleasing others I know these types of guys are really wanting to know how to be pleasing their girl as satisfyingly as they possibly can…. because of how much they really do get from that.

Hoping this helps someone in some way. These types of guys do exist. And for those wanting to be better in bed, just google to learn about what really are the top 3 most sensitive areas of the female body.. (clit, gspot, lips of the vagina), and just read the endless articles on how to better please a woman!!

I don’t mean to write so much… but these topics are incredibly important to me too..

Amanda October 8, 2018 - 2:42 pm

Thank you for this. I’ve been also waiting for years for a relationship to change and have known that we are just not right. This helps totally. My mind in all of it’s dread goes to his happiness – which I want – but I was hoping we could find that together – with another woman, someone better. It’s easier for me to see his happiness and not my own. Your story has been inspirational is seeing what is possible in moving forward. <3

Nikki June 2, 2019 - 8:53 am

I did the opposite, i knew what i liked and how to get myself off from a young age. So when it came to sex, i knew what i liked and learned more about what i liked all through my late teens until my mid twenties (i had a few short relationships but nothing lasting.) I mainly just acted like a dude and had a lot of sex. However, when i finally settled down and i was so happy, we were going to get married, blaaaah blaaaah. But he was also younger and hadnt had the same amount of life experience as me so he tried to lie to me, to himself, to everyone. It ended terribly and broke my heart to shards. I miss the feeling of being deeply in love but i’ve been hurt a lot and i’ve never really believed in monogamy. Ive never cheated but been cheated on plenty. I thought i knew what i wanted but it turned out a lot of what i thought i wanted i’m afraid to get.
That’s a bummer you weren’t able to get off for so long… did you try masturbation and really getting to KNOW your vag. Im happy you found someone who can do it, but you should be able to do it yourself so you can still have pleasure with out being him fir the release.
It always makes me sad when i hear other girls have never had an orgasm. Too many girls fake it which makes guys think whatever they’re doing is awesome when in reality we’re not doing them, ourselves, or their next partner any favors by not telling them they arent totally fulfilling us.
Okay, i think i have droned on for too long and am too tired to even proof read this. So my apologies for any mistakes, run ons, or not making sense. My sleepy lolhis kicked im faster than usual so maybe i’ll fix this when i wake up


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